Pondering Life

as i sit here i’ve wanted to write these things down so i would remember them. and i will do that here:

i’ve gone through some phases: growing up wanting to live in the wilderness (forced to forget that dream from society) and then returning and almost touching that lifestyle while working at Anasazi (realizing it can be true) and spending many days in the desert with others who actually lived life the way i wanted. i learned a lot from them and i can say that i’m 80-90% sure i could make it if i were to leave today on my own. but, having a desire for education i am here in school instead – required to live in an apartment and follow some rules. at first i felt forced back into it b/c i didn’t want to return to a busy life of school. that’s okay, i’m open to any experience, knowing that none lasts forever and it can only allow me greater perspective on life. however, it’s hard to live a life you don’t exactly want. i’ve pondered this a lot and received some insight: it’s not wise to seclude oneself into the wilderness with no other human contact. i decided not to be a lone traveler.

so what do i want in life? it seems like ever since i started asking that question years ago i’ve never stopped. i’m starting to realize that knowing what you want in life changes as normally as life itself does. so the greatest thing i can want is to know what direction my life is going in.

true, i’ve been depressed in the past, like most people get when they don’t know what they want. in those situations you just have to make a choice; even if you have no reason for it, because if you don’t make a choice then you’re choosing nothing and that’s the worse thing you can do to yourself. plus it will prolong depression.

so make a choice. write it down and acknowledge that good and bad will come of it. i have to choose my lifestyle after i graduate. there will always be another choice after that.

i just started a personal progress plan today. the idea is not new to me. i’ve done this a couple times in the past. odd that i had to be reminded of it again though. if there was ever a time when i needed a personal plan that time is now. when i’m not tied to school anymore i will be free to go in any direction. how thankful i am to have that… any direction i want. i thank God for that.

i’m realizing that my childhood curiosity of electronics has not truly diminished as i had thought. i went to the career fair the other day on campus and whenever i passed by the companies that made semi-conductors (computer stuff) or did stuff like that i gaped at the jobs they were offering and then realized i couldn’t get them b/c i don’t have a degree in electronics but in communications. note: i did not say i regret having a comm major. i figured i might one day want to become involved in electronics again but not like this. i left the fair with a bit of confusion.

I’m drawing from many sources. i’m pondering the present and the future.

sorting out some of my thoughts… wanna see what i’ve decided so far? this, in chronological order…

1. must finish school. i will have a BS in Recreation Leadership and Communications.
2. internship jan-apr. i have three options and i will go with the best one that accepts me.
3. officially graduate (yep, i need one English class which i will do in Mexico after my internship, if they let me)
4. pay off loans. teach english in the orient (15K/year) or return to Anasazi. or go back to the internship.
5. if i can work for an electronics company as a “communications person” then i bet i can still get a piece of the technology action and perhaps fulfill both dreams at the same time. maybe they’ll pay for my graduate school as an electrical engineer.
6. research and invent. i have many ideas and i want to implement them. i want to invent better paradigms for waste management, better travel options for people, and many other things. in essence this is inspired by the Gospel (13th Article of Faith).
*. among all this i can envision a family. shy to admit it, don’t know why, but sometimes i desire that wonderful family atmosphere i see so much here at school. other times i’m bitter towards it.

the list will always go on. there’s never an end to life’s plan…

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